Date: 5/28/2008
Subject: Husband has been cheating
Question
For the last 3 months my husband had been very distant, working late, not answering my phone calls. I feel that I was in denial about what he was doing. It is so unlike him to cheat that I just pushed that out of my head. 2 weeks ago, he was sleeping and somebody kept leaving messages. I checked his voicemail and it was a girl saying she missed him and why wasn't he there? I confronted him and he said he had been hanging out with her for a couple of weeks. I told him I loved him but we needed to go to marriage counseling so I could forgive him. He then started saying how I don't cook enough or clean enough or do things sexually that he wants. I said "you never communicate any of this!". We went to the counseling session and he just kept bashing me and how this other girl was the perfect girl for him. He couldn't commit to saying he wouldn't see her for 3 months. I found out he saw her last weekend. That was it. I moved out a day later. It has been 3 days and he called me today and said he doesn't know why he did that. He loves me and he ended it with the girl. I just can't believe him. I want to forgive him, but my family and friends would be devastated that I would go back to him after how much he has put me through. I told him it would take years for me to forgive. Maybe I need to live on my own for a while and think....what do you think?
Answer
Dear Eva,
Thank you for the oppertunity to serve. I am very sorry to learn you are going through this kind of pain.Hopefully I can sched some light on what else might be happening here:
Let’s go over each one at time.
You wrote:"He then started saying how I don't cook enough or clean enough or do things sexually that he wants. I said "you never communicate any of this!".
Insight: This is a defensive maneuver called "blame-shifting", one that is often used by a wayward partners to help rationalize their actions..
What exactly is blame shifting?
It’s shifting the blame for your actions onto another person/society/& circumstances.
Blame-shifting an immature way to avoid dealing with unpleasant consequences, its like a two year old year old who’s ice-cream falls on the floor , who then turns to his mother and wails…“ see what you made me do!”
In grownups it works like this: a partner does something which results in a consequence/situation he doesn’t like. (for example he cheats on his wife, gets caught and now has to face up to the pain, hurt & anger this creates) If that partner has difficulties facing up/owning his mistakes, then there are two ways he might deal with the situation:
Option # 1: run away (or completely deny involvement)
Options # 2: admit involvement but "shift blame” as a way to rationalize "why" he did what he did.
Both options carry the same benefit: escape from responsibility.
Well, Eva, in life no matter how much you try to blame-shift, it just doesn’t hold up
Here's why:
While it might be true that you didn’t cook enough, cleaned enough or had been as sexually assertive as he might have liked – His "lacking" of those things… STILL didn’t cause him to cheat.
Think about it this way:
If you are broke, and you rob a bank… who is responsible?
a.Is it the bank's fault for withhold the money from you?
b. is it society’s fault for making it difficult for you to earn a decent living?
c.is it your former bosses’ fault for firing you?
d.Was it your choice to rob the bank? And therefore your responsibility to face the consquences
You get the point.
Just like being broke is NO justification for robbing a bank, lack of cleaning, cooking and available sex at home is NO justification for cheating.
This helps to explain why the choice to cheat is NOT caused by the "lack" of anything in your relationship.
Since there are no perfect humans ( alive anyway) then there can be no perfect relationships... that means an “excuse” to cheat lies dormant within every problem, every crisis, and every situation you don’t like.
What does this mean in your situation?
It means this is NOT your fault.
Here’s why: Cheating is not about "sex" it’s about principles. There are plenty of marriages where the wife doesn’t cook or clean and yet husbands don’t cheat.
There are also plenty of marriages that are sex starved (as a matter of fact I am working with a couple right now, who haven’t had intimacy in more than four years and still neither have cheated).
And there are plenty of marriages where the wife cooks, cleans and reenacts the karma Surta - and still husbands cheat.
What does this tell you?
Well for one thing – it says cheating is not so much a matter of circumstances as much as it is a matter of choice
Here’s another thing it tells you: There was nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening.
READ THAT AGAIN: There is nothing you could have done to prevent it.
What do I mean by this?
Well since cheating comes down to choice, you have to ask yourself – are you responsibly for HIS choices? If you could go back over the last 4/5 months and cook, clean and passion up the intimacy between you- do you really believe that would have stopped him from meeting this woman?
Of course hind sight is 20/20. Looking back its easy to get seduced in to believing you could prevent OTHER people from making the poor choices by your making difference choices. This is pure speculation. The fact is you don’t control other people’s choices – no matter how much they want you to believe you do. You don’t.
Believe me after a decade in this field, I have heard it all:
A husband blame-shifts the affair to the wife: complaining all she does is clean, and take care the kids/ and never had time for me/
Wives blame-shifts the affair to husband: saying all he does is work and ignore me, or he never listens to me.
He says: she never initiates sex
She says: he cheated on me so I thought it was my turn,
He says: Since she got on anti-depressants she lost her libido, so I cheated I didn’t have to burden
she says: he never says he love me or help around the house
He says: he travels so much I got lonely.
And on and on it goes…
Since there are no perfect people, this means there are no perfect marriages – so list of excuses for abandoning one's principles are endless.
What do we have choice over?
Infidelity - like any other type of deception is a personal choice.
We all have irrevocable freedoms:
We own our bodies. We own our feelings. We own our choices. So even though you are married to him, you do not own or control his body or his feelings. They both belong to him and are governed by him (and only him).
Think about it:
Ok, so your marriage wasn’t perfect. So you aren’t perfect. So your housekeeping isn’t perfect. But does this equal cheating behind your back? (Think about being broke – does that justify stealing?)
And what was he thinking?
That maybe somehow his cheating would improve your housekeeping skills? Obviously this is not smart thinking. Well, as I have said before, shifting the blame is an immature way to avoid dealing with the pressure and stress that comes from making poor choices.
Obviously, you can’t solve one problem by creating another problem. If he was really feeling neglected, and underappreciated - then those are separate from cheating...
So -what really happened?
It seems to me, two separate things have gotten confused here:
1. Failure to communicate
2. Poor Problem-solving skills
Let take the first one: failure to communicate
If he truly was feeling neglected and IF the housekeeping was creating a problem for him, then its his responsibility to communicate that to you. You cannot read minds ( well, I assume you cant) How can you address something you don’t know exists?
The rule of thumb is if something is bothering you – it’s your responsibility to bring it up. So failure to communicate his issues, doesn’t make YOU responsible for those issues.
The second thing is…Poor problem solving skills.
Life is presents constant challenges. We are always facing problems that needed to be solved. Our problem-solving abilities to a large extent determines the quality of our lives.
Signs of poor problem solving skills:
•People with poor problem-solving skills – are easily overwhelmed by life’s challenges.
• Deal with problems by sweeping them under the rug,
•Play ostrich: bury their head in the sand and hope thing go a way,
•Play possum:, ignore or deny the existence of problems
•Play victim, complain , whine and wail
•Passive aggressive: takes actions – but don’t take responsibility
•Aggressive: turn to crime, dishonesty, hiding, cheating etc
It seems to me, your husband used a poor problem-solving to deal with his own issues.
If you think about it:
Cheating in order to get affection you are missing is a poor way to solve that problem
Cheating in order to get your need for better house-keeping is a poor way to solve that problem
Anyway you slice the cake – his choice to cheat was a poor choice and a wrong approach to dealing with his own issues.
Next:
You wrote: “he just kept bashing me and how this other girl was the perfect girl for him”
This statement brings up a two red flags for me.
Its red flag - the pursuit of perfection
Here’s what I mean by that: people who are seeking perfect love– dont love people, the love the dream.
Perfect girl, the perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect dress, the perfect anything is a dream. ( a hypnotic and alluring one) Underneath that desire for perfection in a partner is really the desire to avoid feeling pain, conflict and disappointment (all of which you experience in human relationship)
So his calling HER the perfect girl for him - is possibly just another way of blame-shifting ( e.g. if you were perfect then he wouldn’t have had to heat) or blame-shifting by saying he couldn’t help it – he found the perfect girl –what was he supposed to do?
The second red flag:
When people engage in extramarital affairs - often times the rush/adrenalin of the forbidden and rises up like a wave and overtake rational thinking.
This is called the emotional fog.
It’s a state of mind that isn’t logical, reasonable, rational or controllable. As a matter of fact it becomes totally overwhelming.
It’s the kind of emotional entanglement most wayward partners never see coming.
When a person in the emotional fog – they are not in their right minds. It’s like they are drugged by their own emotions. Wayward partner shave been known to be do/say/act out in ways that is so foreign to their natures that is shocks those who know them best.
Since we are all humans, any of us can get caught in the emotional fog. As a matter of fact it’s happened to all of us – think back…
•Have you ever watch a movie that you were so shaken, and taken in, you felt deeply moved, you might have cried, gotten aroused or gotten angry? – another example of the emotional fog
•how about this: did you have a crush on someone as a teenager? You wrote his name and yours every where? Felt giddy? Would have followed them to the ends of the earth? – another example of the emotional fog
•and how about this: Have you ever listen to a speaker, maybe a preacher/priest or other kind of motivational speaker who got you so excited, so hopeful that you ended up spending money or doing something you never intended to do? – another example of the emotional fog
It can happen because we are human and as human beings our emotions sometimes run away with us.
The secret is NOT to believe anything said while some one is in the emotional fog. Just like you wouldn’t necessarily take everything a drunken person says to you to heart.
Whatever he says under the emotional fog – is invalid, do not take it personally.
Now I have a question for you?
In the midnight of YOUR soul - is being with this man is the right choice for you?
How do you know? Ask these questions:
Are you getting the love you want?
Does he love you in the ways you want to be loved?
Is he the partner you want to grow old with?
Can you be true friends? As well as lovers?
Will he make a good grandfather to your future grandchildren?
Does he inspire creativity, and playfulness in you?
Does he communicate his feelings with you?
Do you feel like he is an open book?
Does he help and support you in your dreams?
Is he easy for you to love, support and understand?
Take your time an answer these question.
Here’s the deal Eva,
The question is not should you give him a second chance. Of course everybody deserves a second chance. The question is did HE ever really give your marriage a chance?
Marriage is about two people “going all in”, not holding anything back. The fact that he held back his feelings, held back his upsets, and hid his desires… means he was never “all in”
The next thing:
You wrote: “has been 3 days and he called me today and said he doesn't know why he did that. He loves me and he ended it with the girl. I just can't believe him. I want to forgive him, but my family and friends would be devastated that I would go back to him after how much he has put me through.”
Here are some pointers about reconciliation after infidelity:
The reconciliation process after infidelity is a long, hard journey, but it can be. There are three secret ingredients that help make sure it’s successful
-Absolute willingness on from the wayward partner to do whatever it takes
-Absolute willingness of the betrayed partner to go through the process of healing
-The right roadmap to help you find your way back to love
About “other people”
When it comes to decisions of the heart – what other people want is irrelevant. So please banish other people from your mind as you decide what right for you
Make your decision with your heart.
And make the decision to you can live with whatever the consequences bring.
Part of your maturity is learning how to decisions that are unpopular with those around you. And be okay. Even if you got back together and your worst nightmare comes to pass, then it’s will be your problem to deal with then, not your families ok?
To forgive or not to forgive?
Forgiveness is always the answer. Never the question.
It’s not a matter of whether or not to forgive. The real question of whether or not you want to continue to suffer. Why? because the choice not forgive is the same as the choice to suffer.
Forgivingness is not something you do for him.
It something you do for you. It a medicine to heal the hurt you feel. Not forgiving would be like getting hit in the head and not taking any aspirin, because you didn’t want to let your attacker off the hook
Another thing:
You forgive if you want to rebuild and you forgive if you want to break up. Either way. You forgive. Because it heals YOU.
Well, Eva,
I think I have covered just about all I can via email. I have faith you found some of these insights useful.
Until we speak again
Good Luck and Good wishes.
SuzieJ
PS: for help forgiving adultery and releasing pain read this article I wrote, I believe it will make a huge difference for you : http://goasksuzie.com/1c_forgive_infidelity.html
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