10 Bad Habits that Could Ruin Your Marriage

By Emily Battaglia, LifeScript Staff Writer

Do you bite your fingernails? Pick at your hair? While these habits are annoying in nature and unnerving to other people, they aren’t a huge deal in the scheme of life. But there are some bad habits – seemingly small in size – that can ruin your relationships. If you’re married, you probably know what I’m talking about. Find out how to save your marriage from these 10 very common bad habits. Plus: Do you fight fair?

Breaking a bad habit can take days, months, even years. But your marriage can’t wait that long. Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. and author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page Books, 2002) explains 10 bad habits that add strife to your marriage and offers advice on tempering them before your “happily ever after” turns into never.

Remember, overcoming your bad habits isn’t easy, especially if you’ve spent years living with them. But admitting your faults and making changes is always a better option than a broken marriage.

1. Not having sex
According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, where couples make love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it’s one of the best ways to maintain intimacy. And when sex becomes a distant memory, your intimacy takes a severe hit.

While physical issues like hormonal changes, stress and fatigue may not put you in the mood, some of the problem has to do with your attitude. “You need to feel good about each other to be intimate,” Tessina says. “If you constantly fight, criticize and spout negativity, you won't be able to be close.”

Get rid of the resentment and just do it already, even if you’re not feeling frisky. Learn how to transition from handling the mundane tasks of life to frolicking in the bedroom. “Sex in a long-term marriage is different from dating, honeymoon or newlywed sex,” Tessina says. “You need to learn how to make it easy to get there.”

2. Letting yourself go
Life happens – aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain. You’re not going to look the way you did when you first met your spouse. Fortunately, “in deepening love, the exterior gets less important, and the interior is what we’re focused on,” Tessina says. However, whether you like it or not, your spouse does care what you look like now, just as you still want to be attracted to him.

It doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact – resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, actually wearing some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. Or make the commitment to exercise several times a week, which can, in turn, inspire your husband to break a sweat with you.

Do what’s in your power to keep the physical attraction alive. Not only is it good for your marriage, it will boost your health and self-confidence, too.

3. Spending too much time with the in-laws
That includes spilling private information to your family about your husband or marriage, or siding with them over him. These can all potentially hurt your marriage if your spouse feels like he comes second to your family.

While many people are close with their parents and siblings, it’s a good idea to draw a line when it comes to your priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and they come first.

Tessina points out that it may be an issue of your upbringing. “If your partner is unhappy with how you’re relating to your family, it probably means you come from different style families, and you need to talk about that and make some agreements,” she says. “It’s a growing up issue, as well as a partnership issue.” First and foremost, your loyalty lies with your marriage. It’s not okay to gossip or betray your spouse… even to your family.

4. Spending too much time with friends, work, hobbies
Having a life and interests apart from your husband is important, but not having your priorities straight can wreak havoc on your marriage. Maybe you’re using your friends or job as a welcome distraction from your spouse. Or maybe you simply enjoy your job or hobbies that much.

But have you ever thought you might be making your spouse feel like a second fiddle? He may be dropping hints about how he wishes you were around more… or not saying anything for fear of rocking the boat. The bottom line is that you don’t want to make your spouse feel alienated, rejected or disconnected from the marriage. Nothing is more important than the one you love.

“You need to do what works,” Tessina says, “and the only people who can determine that are you and your spouse. Together.”

5. Not consulting your partner about purchases
According to a 2007 PayPal survey, 37% of couples fight more about money than household chores or sex, and 82% of respondents say they have hidden purchases from their partner. While not telling your husband about a new shirt you bought doesn’t spell disaster for your marriage, omitting large purchases or other major money commitments does.

Not only will it cause anger and bitterness, but bad money habits can compromise the financial security of your family’s future. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word. Tessina recommends talking about how money will be handled – bank accounts, bill paying, debt, savings, investments – before getting hitched.

“Remember, if you can’t talk amiably about money and make joint decisions about it, your marriage doesn’t have a good chance,” Tessina says.

6. Forgetting the smaller gestures
Those everyday signs of affection are what keep intimacy and romance alive. Yet many couples fail to remember to do them. “Spread as much sweetness around as possible,” Tessina says.

Kiss him when he walks in the door; ask him if he needs anything while you’re up; surprise him with a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive); touch his arm or leg when sitting next to him; say thank you when he does something for you, no matter how big or small. These sweet gestures are just as important, if not more, than when you were dating.

7. Criticizing and nagging endlessly
Finding fault with people – especially our loved ones – is easy. So is getting into the habit of mercilessly criticizing your partner. While your husband may joke about his nagging wife to his friends, he’s probably not finding it funny on the inside.

“If you allow yourself to be subject to constant criticism from your spouse, your well-being and confidence will suffer,” Tessina says.

You might think you’re offering gentle reminders or that you’re being justifiably critical, but the more you nag, the more he’ll tune you out. And that just makes you angrier. Stop this vicious cycle by treating your hubby as an equal. And remember, for the most part you knew the man you married when you got hitched; it’s unfair to now criticize him for being the man you chose to marry.

8. Always playing the victim
Never being at fault can be tiresome to a husband who isn’t always to blame either. “It’s difficult for everyone to take responsibility for bad behavior,” Tessina says. Pointing the finger at someone else is easier and makes you feel better about yourself. Playing the victim is a control mechanism, and you use it when it suits you best.

The problem is that always playing the victim makes him feel like he’s constantly being punished, which is a quick way to make him lose trust and respect for you. You may also be making him feel like he’s doing everything wrong intentionally to hurt you when, in fact, that’s probably not true.

It’s time to fess up to your role in the problems you’re facing, apologize and make the necessary changes when appropriate. Once you give up the victim mentality, you’ll find yourself less stressed, angry and resentful… and your husband will be happier, too.

9. Sweating the small stuff
So he forgot to pick up your dry-cleaning or fix the broken fence like he promised. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love, respect and care about you. In a marriage, when so many things can and will go wrong, you have to sort out what is worth getting angry about. Many times we make a bigger deal over matters that we should be taking with a grain of salt.

“If you want to be right just to be right, you’re going to create problems and pain in your marriage,” Tessina says. Pick and choose your battles wisely, or you’ll find yourself permanently on the battlefield. When something is bothering you, Tessina recommends asking yourself how important it really is. Are there rational reasons why it’s so crucial?

If you reach the conclusion that you must hash out the issue, bring it up as soon as possible to avoid built-up resentment. And learn how to “fight fair.”

10. Not fighting fair
Arguing to solve an issue isn’t necessarily the bad habit. You’ll inevitably come across differences when it comes to finances, children and responsibilities of home and work. But the way you settle those differences can be hurtful and destructive. If you wonder why you’re unsuccessful in solving your problems, it could be because you’re not going about it with good intentions.

If and when you have a disagreement, follow Tessina’s “fighting fair” guidelines:

- Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem

- Consider your partner’s point of view

- Solve one problem at a time

- Don’t bring up past issues

- Avoid personal attacks and criticism

- Stay away from using power struggle tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail