10 Juli 2008

Should I worry about spoiling my baby?


If I lavish love and attention on my baby, will I spoil him?

Expert Answers

Sandy Bailey, certified family life educator

No. Young babies are completely spoil-proof. Your baby needs all the care and attention you can give. Ignore the advice of well-meaning relatives who think babies need to learn independence. Instead, listen to your parental instinct — that inner voice that tells you to comfort your baby when he cries.

"Spoiled children" have learned to use negative behavior to get what they want. But your baby is too young to purposefully manipulate or annoy you. He cries to communicate his needs, whether they're for a snack, a dry diaper, or a little cuddling with Mom or Dad. When you respond quickly to your baby, you're building his sense of self-worth. You're also establishing a foundation of trust that can last for years to come.

If you give your baby prompt attention, he'll feel more secure and less anxious, giving him the courage to explore the world on his own. And once he understands that you take his cries seriously, he'll be less likely to cry for no reason. In the long run, responding quickly to your baby's needs will make him less clingy and demanding, not more.

By the time your baby is 6 to 8 months old, he'll be paying close attention to cause and effect — noticing, for instance, that his bowl falls when he drops it from the highchair. He'll also start to see a direct link between his actions and your responses. At this point it's okay to set some limits. If your baby starts crying to get something he doesn't need, hold your ground and give him a hug when he calms down. Similarly, give hugs and praise for good behavior and gently redirect him when he's doing something hazardous.

The right blend of love and guidance will eventually help your child understand his place in the world. But for now, your focus should be on giving him as much attention and comfort as you can. No matter how much you give, it's not more than he needs.

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Community Answers

Im glad I read this because I have been told over and over that im spoiling my baby and I feel as if i am sometimes...because he cries for me to pick him up...once i pick himup he stops and start smiling. how can I break him out of that habit early before it gets worse.

posted 9/13/2007 by foxi21887

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Balance is the key. Don't ignore a baby who is full-out crying, but don't be afraid to let them fuss a little either. Tummy time frustrates my girls, but I do it so they will build their strength up. I also let them fuss a few minutes at night before picking them up as sometimes they will put themselves back to sleep.

posted 9/17/2007 by BabyDreams76

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SPOIL PROOF may not hold true for all babies, but YOUNG BABIES, such as newborns ARE spoil proof. They cry to get your attention because that's the only way they can tell you what they need. As they get older, they will be more effectively able to communicate what they need without crying. I pick up my baby and I hold him plenty. If making my baby feel safe and loved and having him trust me that I am going to take care of his needs means he's spoiled, then I'm gonna spoil him rotten. As they get older, space out the time that you answer their cries. Go to them and talk to them to let them know you're there, but don't pick them up. Then gradually start increasing the time that you respond. But as far as babies about 3-4 months and under, I think responding is appropriate because they can't say " Hey mom, my diaper is wet, could you give me a change" OR " Mom, I'd really love to spend some quality time together" And your chances of hearing that doesn't increase as they get older.

posted 9/26/2007 by Anonymous


I have mixed emotions about if a baby can get spoiled or not. My mom and dad always told me that she can get spoiled, while my fiancees dad says that you can't spoil a young baby. If my baby girl wants to be held then I ALWAYS pick her up. That way she always knows that mommy is there for her. I am the one that decided that I wanted her here in the first place so I plan on making her as happy as possible.

posted 9/29/2007 by Uruloki88


In a way, "coddling" your baby is good; just as Sandy Bailey says, it builds trust that you will be there when your baby needs you, although I wouldn't respond to cries for a little bit because it is good for them to cry for a while... the key things are to pay attention and to check for things the baby needs; check the diaper, burp, or feed the baby, lay the baby on their stomach just in case they might have gas... Try putting the baby in a baby swing- it should lull them to sleep... Your baby's cries are their opinions, and they matter... Just make sure that they know it!

posted 9/23/2007 by Little_Mommy_J


I totally agree with christen1063, "anonymous mom" who lets her baby cry for 10 minutes totally needs to rethink her priorities immediately and quite possibly talk with someone about her emotional disconnect shes beginning to create with her baby. A baby is not just a feeding and diaper change, that's a new person that needs love, affection AND attention - in other words nurturing. As the mother of 4, ages 16, 12, 7, and 2 months I can tell you that each child is different and has different needs and that there is an one size fit all solution for handling your children. The most important thing to remember is that your baby in NEW to this world and every moment is a new experience and that if you choose to make these experiences as positive, soothing, comforting and or pleasurable as possible regardless of the inconvience to you it will make the next stages of their life easier to manage.

posted 10/06/2007 by SunEmumE


I to have been told " your spoiling him", but I do not believe so. Crying is his only way of letting me know he needs something. I do agree with setting limits early. You can wait until they get bigger to start discipline. My mom for instance when my 1st son was a toddler I would get on him spt his hand and etc... she never would. When he reached the age of 7-8 all a sudden she wanted to start to complain about he doesn't listen to me, or do what I ask him. I told her he minds me very well and he knows he can do things and get away with them with you. You can't wait until they are older to start your discipline.

posted 9/19/2007 by nursesrock07


to the anonymous poster who lets her 2 month old cry for 10 minutes because she doesn't have the energy - i think you need to rethink your priorities. how much energy does it take to pick up your baby and comfort her? 10 minutes doesn't sound like a long time, but it is when you're 2 months old and crying, wondering why isn't anyone helping me? your baby would feel more secure if she knew you'd be there when she needs you - and would most likely cry less often for that reason. she's not old enough to manipulate through crying, a 2 month old's brain does not work that way yet.

posted 10/05/2007 by christen1063


I think that the moms who are saying that you can't let your baby cry for even ten minutes are going a little overboard. The anynmous mom who lets her baby cry for ten min. got attacked by other moms who are saying she needs professional help- and that she is emotionally disconnected- come on. Sometimes you need ten minutes to yourself- maybe you need to put your baby down to make dinner or take a shower. My two month old constantly needs to be held or he screams. I don't think I am emotionally disconnected with him becuase I let him cry for ten minutes. It does take a lot of energy to constantly be holding and tending to an infant- they are not going to be emotionally messed up for life if you let them cry in their crib for ten minutes.

posted 10/26/2007 by kileyross4]


IT DOES say that at a certain age, baby notices cause and effect and that is a good time to start setting limits. This is when the bad habits can start developing. Young babies may not understand you setting limits before it's time and may lose their sense of trust in you as a parent and I have seen it actually make things worse. The expert does not say hold your baby and tote them around every second of every day as mamma2be4times made it seem. Their is a healthy balance. I think that maybe people should actually take the time to read what was written. I don't think crying it out is the key. I think that as they get older, start giving them more and more independance. When they cry go to them, but don't pick them up. Talk to them and try to sooth them with your voice. If your baby trusts you then the crying should quiet because your baby feels safe knowing you're there. Then increase the time. Maybe wait 5 minutes before going into the room. Then 5 minutes before picking them up.

posted 9/26/2007 by Anonymous

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